The Crappiness of Haruhi Suzumiya
by AlonsoMassa
Summary: This is madness. This is blasphemy. This is fun dammit! An absoultely crazy drabble featuring nonsense, non-existent plotlines, annoying comments and most of all crazy OOC'ness! This is a crackfic, rated T for sexual themes and bad language. R&R!
1. Obligatory Random Beginning

**Disclaimer – What is about to be presented to you is probably the biggest crap load of shit you are about to set your eyes on. If you manage not to press the back button on your browser by the time you reach the end, go buy yourself an IPhone or something.**

**And yeah, we don't own anything in this fic.**

**Except Megan Fox *evil grin***

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Once upon a time there was a little piece of shit who was called Itsuki Koizumi. He sparkled in the sunlight. He was also gay 'coz men who sparkle are GAY! On the other hand we had Mikuru Asahina who had the weird habit of holding her enormous chest and panting at will in order to seduce people. They were gang rapists. The focus of their attentions was an insignificant horny bastard called Kyon. Kyon was turned on by ponytails. He also had a glasses fetish, but was madly in love with Haruhi's slender curves. She was of course attracted by his sarcastic behavior and large crotch. The pictures of his crotch were provided by Itsuki for no apparent reason whatsoever. Meanwhile our other character, Yuki Nagato's only coherent thought was "bitch!" She also liked playing hentai games in her spare time. This habit was promoted by Mikuru's constant chest-grabbing and Koizumi, who provided all the games

Kyon always thought that Haruhi looked hot in a bunny suit. But she liked the cheerleading outfit better, so they settled on the swimsuit as a compromise. However that was before he saw her naked. Then he slept with Itsuki by mistake and when he woke up in bed with Itsuki the next morning, he was scarred for life. He also had an instant orgasm. Yuki's only coherent thought was still bitch. Mikuru said, "Kyooon-kuuuuuuun!" and dropped to the ground, panting and grabbing her chest. Needless to say, Haruhi was turned on.

*Censored scene*

Haruhi Suzumiya (the bipolar bitch) who was 70% straight and 30% gay raped Mikuru and satisfied her desires….

Yeah, I lied about the censoring part…bitch

Now we need to take the non-existent plot somewhere

Why don't we take it for a movie?

Disaster movie or twilight? They're both parodies

…Moving on now, thankfully

…..Itsuki is dead! *DHAN DHAN DHAN*

Due to technical difficulties we cannot continue insertion of dramatic background music. Please utilize your imagination, bitch…..

When the news of Itsuki's death reached Kyon, who was in rehab after the whole sleeping with Itsuki debacle…..

He had sex with Haruhi – again…

Then they decided to find out how he died… Coz they were the SOS brigade, bitch!

Not to mention the fact that Haruhi was bored and that she could destroy the world on a whim, but that's not important right?

Their prime suspect was Mikuru as she had been trying to seduce him for many days. However she had an alibi. She was being raped by Haruhi at the time. Kyon facepalmed.

Their next suspect was the computer club president… but he was having phone sex with a woman who claimed to be Megan Fox.

Next was Okabe-sensei whose alibi was that he was doing the school principal…

We also had the Student Council President, but he was watching the Wimbledon finals…..which Nadal won, bitch!

Next we have Arakawa whose alibi was that he was trying to chat up that hot esper maid!

There was also Sasaki, but she was at home watching the History Channel and Animal Planet trying to find a connection between the two. Let's just leave it at that shall we….

And finally we have: Yuki Nagato who has no apparent alibi but let's just assume that she's innocent, otherwise she's gonna introduce us, the authors, to her shotgun, bitch!( just watch the abridged series of Haruhi suzumiya)

Suddenly Itsuki woke up from the coffin and started taking revealing pictures of Kyon with Haruhi and Mikuru in the shower.

Then Yuki came up behind him and shot him in the back with the aforementioned shotgun saying, "And stay down, bitch!"

Thus everyone lived happily ever after…

What, do you think that is how it ended? Heck no!

Everyone just basically died in a car crash as we are too lazy to come up with an epic ending and death scene. Just live with it, bitch!

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**X – Did we actually write this shit?**

**Y – Yeah remember, we were high and then you did a rooster….**

**X – No that was that other bitch man….. Why did we write this? No plot, no dialogues crappy storyline= great story!**

**Y – Hey, it worked for Twilight didn't it?**

**X – No flames now, Twihards (bitches)!**

**Y – You're obsessed with that word aren't you?**

**X – No I'm not, bitch!**

**Y - *Facepalms***

**Y – Shit, is that Yuki with her shotgun! RUN AWAY, EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!**

**X – ( While running) R&R BITCHES!**

**This was an XXX presentation. Any resemblance to any character living or dead is completely meant to be, because we authors are omnipotent aren't we? And if you haven't noticed the sarcasm, just go die bitch!**


	2. Twilight Bashing at its Best

**As I stared into his beautiful amber eyes I felt something swell up inside of me. I felt an unavoidable and almost compelling need to go through with something that I had thought of earlier. I gathered up my courage.**

**And I slapped Edward Cullen hard.**

**"What the hell was that for! Do you know how much plastic surgery costs these days!" shouted Edward while taking out his make-up kit to repair the damage.**

**"I'm sorry Edward, but I'm afraid that I'm going to have to dump you." Said Bella while trying to keep a straight face.**

**"Why? Is it because I sparkle too much?" asked Edward as he tried to cover up his body.**

**"No Edward, it is because AlonsoMassa has decided to continue his crack fic and has posted another chapter. I don't have time for the likes of you!" said Bella while Justin Bieber crooned " Baby... Baby, Baby!" in the background.**

**"You can't dump me Bella."**

**"Just why can't I?"**

**"Because I dump you bitch! I'm going and reading the fic first!" said Edward while running at the speed of light before bashing into a nearby tree.**

**"Tsk tsk tsk, vampire over-confidence..." thought Bella.**

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"I'm bored. Kyon, I order you to belly-dance on the table and entertain me! Now!" Haruhi said_. Crazy girl said what?_ thought Kyon, spitting out the wonderful tea Asahina-san had made for them all.

"Yes Kyon. Please do it. It will be a great experience for us all," Itsuki said, "And why don't you ask your sister to join you?"

"No extra ideas please Itsuki, we're not all paedophiles here... Asahina-san will **ass**ist you, Kyon. Now, get to work! As your brigade commander, I order you!"

"Oh ok already!" said Kyon, facepalming._ Ah well, might as well take this opportunity to do this with Asahina-san... Who knows... Maybe I'll even enjoy it _thought Kyon.

"Yes, I would like to observe this human activity called _belly dancing_" said Nagato with a smirk only Kyon noticed. "Bitch!" she added as an afterthought.

A/N – We, that is X and Y, are back bitches!

Now we return you to our regular broadcast.

"On second thought..."said Haruhi. "I'd prefer you to do it in a maid costume. And since that is my property I don't think anyone else but I should be around to supervise it." Said Haruhi trying to act casual about it.

"Ohhhhh... I think Suzumiya-san here wants some 'alone time' with Kyon" said Itsuki while trying not to smirk.

"Shut up bitch" said Nagato without looking up from her book. Everyone looked at the silent bookworm, surprised by her out of character dialogue. _Bitches and catfights... oh, I love this club... _thought Itsuki.

"Wait...WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY YUKI?" screamed Haruhi while dragging Kyon towards her for no apparent reason whatsoever.

"I said ... STFU, BITCH! OR ELSE..."said Nagato, without bothering to look up.

"Did you just hear that Kyon? She insulted _me, _the Brigade leader. Do something about it!" she said while dragging Kyon closer to her.

"Well, how about you stop dragging my face onto your chest first!" said Kyon, his voice muffled in Haruhi's...ahem. "Not that I'm complaining or anything..." he added in a low tone.

"Kyoooon-kuuuun"said Mikuru, panting heavily and grabbing her chest. Itsuki took out his sleek camera and clicked away, making a mental note of posting these pictures on his Facebook profile for his personal amusement. Yeah, don't ask...

_Ahhh... There's something about two girls fighting over a guy that really turns me on. Not as much as Kyon and his sister of course... "_Ohhh... Excuse me, I need to visit the, umm, washroom." Itsuki said while quickly exiting the clubroom holding his pants in an awkward position.

"What was all that about?" asked Haruhi as she now slid her body over Kyon's face. The latter decided to give up and just enjoy this sensation for as long as it lasted. Soft moaning noises could be heard after 5 minutes or so.

A/N-

X – What? They are so not doing it...

Y – Yes they are...

X- Anyways here is a message from our sponsors, _Desire_ Condoms. After all, prevention is better than cure bitches!

Y – Yeah...just yeah.

X – I can't believe I just said that... YUCK! DAMN YOU ALONSOMASSA! Anyways, let's get back to our non-existent plot

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BITCH!

Excuse that stupid interruption. We seem to be having transmission problems. (_Someone _in the background is screaming continuously "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, BITCHES!). We shall now redirect you to the 7 hour Twilight marathon. Enjoy bitches!

_7 hours later..._

"Ok...WTF was that!" said Kyon separating himself from Haruhi to throw tomatoes at Edward, who just dropped in while sparkling as we authors are too lazy to make a dramatic sparkly entrance scene. Bella lay on the ground, panting and grabbing her chest while screaming, "Edward, save me!"

"Shut up bitch, I'm being attacked by rotten tomatoes here. Don't you realise that we sparkly vampires are allergic to them?" Said Edward while checking out Mikuru Asahina; who was panting and holding her chest – again.

"Gee, I think I can see a resemblance between Mikuru and the Mary-sue bitch!" said Nagato.

"That's it, I'm going back to Jacob! PENALTY EDWARD!" screamed Bella.

"That...did not just happen." Said Haruhi, horrified that the rules of copyright did not apply to fanfictions.

Suddenly, a fireball fell from somewhere killing Edward the sparkly vampire and Bella the horny slut.

"Darn it, I shouldn't have eaten that lighter." Said Itsuki while darting into the room. He burped for good measure.

Now that we have gotten rid of the twidiots, let's get back to our _original _non-existent plot...

Kyon belly-danced on the table while the others clapped and sang "SEX BOMB, SEX BOMB, YOU'RE MY SEX BOMB!"

"Wawawa Wasuremono..."hummed Taniguchi as he opened the clubroom door.

_BITCH! _Thought Yuki as she pulled out her shotgun.

"Sex and shotguns? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?" screamed Taniguchi while taking out his _desire_ condom. "Oops...wrong packet"

"GIVE ME THAT!" said Koizumi while lunging at Taniguchi.

Yuki began to fire randomly, almost killing Itsuki.

"This is not Halo 3 Nagato-san!" said Mikuru. Yuki just raised an eyebrow. Needless to say the big-chested moe was terrified.

"Well um...I think it's more like Counter-Strike, I guess..." said Computer Club President, before he stumbled onto Taniguchi and Koizumi making out. He joined them and formed an 'awesome' threesome.

"GRRR... I HATE COUNTER STRIKE!" said Yuki while remembering the numerous times she was called a 'noob' online.

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As Kyon walked back home carrying Haruhi piggyback, he thought, _Hmm... quite an uneventful day with some VERY predictable stuff happening.. NOT._

"Kyon, you know I get turned on by your sarcastic inner monologues!" said Haruhi while flashing Kyon an evil grin.

"I think I know what you have in mind Haruhi..." said Kyon while smirking.

_Two hours later..._

"HAHAHA Haruhi, that's the third time I've knifed you in 5 attempts!" Haruhi just facepalmed at the stupidity of the situation. Counter Strike was something she definitely did _not _have in mind. Suddenly there was a new user who logged in whose nickname was 'YUKI.N'

Haruhi was just randomly throwing grenades when suddenly a message popped up on screen :

Haruhi.S has killed Yuki.N

"Hahhaha what a NOOB!" said Kyon while typing the same thing in the chat window.

"BITCHES! YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT!" Yuki.N replied.

"Oh shit..." said Haruhi and Kyon together. They suddenly had a fear of shotguns...

THE END! For now...

*Dramatic closing music signifying that we have purchased new cheap equipment*

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**X – We're back guys!**

**Y- Dude, you just mentioned that earlier.**

**X – Shut up... bitch... so... as I was saying, thanks for the good reviews and since we didn't get any bad ones, I suppose that we should just continue this retardedness before we're forced to stop..**

**Y- Stop hogging all the limelight dude...**

**X – It's not my fault that you can't handle the readers.. Ignore him, he'll get over it.. Blah blah blah blah.**

**Y - *Takes out shotgun* Care to repeat that?**

**X – Ok... You can't handle readers! Na na ne na na! I'm not afraid of your bullet-less shotgun...**

**Y- Who said it was not loaded? *Evil smirk***

**X- I did... Took 'em out yesterday and gave them to Yuki... Oh my God! YUKI! EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF**

**Y – (While running) Hey YOU STOLE MY LINE! Fine, I'll just steal yours then. R&R BITCHES!**

**This is an XXX production, so don't even think about stealing our plot or... or... or we won't do anything! Why? Because we don't have a plot bitches!**

**On a more serious note, any loss of sanity will be treated as a great achievement by us and we shall celebrate such success over a bottle of champagne. And no, we were not being sarcastic...**

**UNTIL THE NEXT TIME, BITCHES!**


	3. Haruhi Wars!

**Han Solo – Kyon Solo *facepalm***

**Darth Vader – Darth Yuki…bitch**

**Princess Leia - Princess Haruhi - "I'M BORED!"**

**Obi-Wan Kenobi – Itsuki….. - "I love those apprentices in mini skirts… Ohhhhhh"**

**Tsuruya – Master Yoda "With you the force may be! nyoro~"**

**Mikuru – Jabba the Hutt – "Kyooooon-kuuuun!"(in heavy rumbling voice, while panting and grabbing it's chest and belly)**

**Luke Skywalker – Taniguchi – "Wa-wa-wa wasuremono-ackkkk!" *Holds chest and dies***

**R.I.P Luke, victim of the _vampire_ series called Twilight.**

**Light Sabers – Glowsticks… They sparkle! ...Bitch…**

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*Epic Star Wars entrance music using pirated CD's and cheap equipment*

Enter Y – *Wearing an apron and a cape with a bucket over his head and a glowstick in his hand.*

X – Why are you wearing an apron? And what's with the bucket? I think the dog peed in that bucket, but I'm not sure….

Y – Silence insolent padawan! I am the master of the force, a SEX…Umm I mean Sith Lord. Wait, did you say the dog peed in this bucket!

X – Yup, and what the hell is a padawan? Sounds like one of Itsuki's sex toys….

Y – A padawan is not Itsuki's sex toy dammit! And we don't even have a dog anyways, you idiot!

X – I said THE dog, bitch! The neighbour's dog, um sorry, BITCH peed in it yesterday! * Laughs Evilly at his own ingenuity!*

Y- I still have the crap bucket on my head but I think your joke caused me more pain and suffering…I HAVE DOG PEE ON MY HEAD! *Takes off bucket and throws it in the bushes. A thud is heard*

"BITCH!"

X and Y together – May the force be with us….. Aaaaaaaaah! Run away!

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A long, long time ago, in a galaxy born in the Hollywood studio next door….

"I'M A BARBIE GIRL, IN A BARBIE WORLD….."

X and Y – CUT! WHO GOT THE GODDAMN WRONG CD?

Anyways, moving on from that insanity, let's go towards more insanity….

In a dark alley, Mikuru the Hutt and Obi-Wan Itsuki were gang-raping a bunch of Jedi apprentices in bunny suits while the song " Sex on Fire" played in the background…..

Suddenly, dark evil music interrupted as Darth Yuki arrived!

"Who do you think you are?"said Mikuru, scratching her ample belly.

*Inhales* "I am Darth Yuki…Bitch" *Exhales* said Yuki, pulling out her glowstick.

Meanwhile, Itsuki continued to rape the apprentices with a glow_stick _of another kind.

"Your glowstick is pink!" said Mikuru the Hutt, laughing while rubbing her stomach and burping loudly.

*inhales* "GRR…. I HATE PINK!" *exhales*

X – Ooh Ooh a flashback!

Y - ….yeah

*White light from a broken Toyota fills the screen*

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Yuki Skywalker had just become a Jedi, and was about to receive her personal glowstick. She was ecstatic. Thus she had only 5 cups of coffee before her big crowning moment. All of the apprentices were led to the big hall by Obi-Wan Itsuki, who insisted that all of them wear short Scottish Kilts.

"This is pretty good isn't it?" said a young Jedi who was Yuki's training partner.

"…shut up bitch" said Yuki in a low hissing voice.

"Ahh, young teenage Jedis in short kilts fighting. I love my job…." Said Itsuki while rubbing his *ahem*

All of them **ass**embled in front of a huge stage which was dark at the moment. Suddenly the whole stage was illuminated by a green light.

"With you the force may be, nyoro~" said Master Tsuruya repeating her dialogue as we authors are too lazy to innovate. I mean, it's not like we get paid or anything…..

"Megas awesome this is going to be. Decide your purrsenality, the colour of your glowstick will! Yes, hmmm." she continued.

Suddenly, Jacob Black appeared from nowhere and changed into a wolf.

"Not you _again! _Fetch, go!"said Master Tsuruya while picking up a random glowstick and throwing it out of the window.

"Oooh, Shiny!" barked Jacob as he jumped out of window.

"Now, continue we must. Come up on the stage and receive your glowstick, nyoro~"

There was a flutter of activity all around. Yuki's training partner went up first.

"With the power bestowed upon me through my hate of Twilight, I am now a Jedi!" she said while turning on her 5 Watt glowstick. A brilliant shade of yellow emerged.

"That was megas awesome, nyoro…..next!"

Yuki stepped up on the stage. This was the moment she would be recognized as a fearsome and capable Jedi. All those years of training were finally about to pay off.

"With the power bestowed upon me through all the bitches in this world, I am now a Jedi!" said Yuki while holding her glowstick up high.

Its colour was…..

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"PINK! HAAHAHAHAH!" laughed Mikuru the Hutt while spitting slime all over Itsuki, who was finally done with the apprentices.

*Inhale deeply* "Don't….remind me" *Exhales slowly*

"Ahh yes, I remember that day…That's when my Scottish Kilt fetish started." Said Itsuki while staring off into space. Both Yuki and Mikuru eyed him suspiciously.

"Moving on now…I have come to kidnap you both for no apparent reason except advancing the non-existent plot." Said Yuki while taking out her glowstick.

"You'll never take us alive!" said Obi-Wan Itsuki while removing his own glowstick which had a dark blue colour.

"I think I'll just go and put on my maid costume and do nothing but watch as usual." Said Mikuru while dragging it's oversized body to the nearest cosplay shop.

"Then you must die, bitch!" said Yuki while bursting forward and wielding her pink glowstick. Both of them were nearing each other, ready to strike…

X – You do know how ridiculous this whole scene looks right?

Y - Are you kidding me, this is epic, EPIC!

X- Pink glowsticks and Jedis in Scottish Kilts? I think I'm going to go barf….

Y- Whatever…At least I get your share of the popcorn!

X - …I think I've just lost whatever little respect I had for you.

Note – The whole purpose of this dialogue was that we couldn't think of a suitable transition except for Edward dancing in a sparkly chicken suit….

Now we shift the scene to a midsized room. Kyon Solo was sitting on a couch polishing his Laughing Buddha idol while humming a random tune.

"Kyon! Princess Haruhi has been captured by Darth Yuki and has been taken to the Lucky Star!" said Kunikada while bashing into the room.

"What, again! I thought that was under protection wasn't she?" said Kyon Solo, looking at Kunikada with a raised eyebrow.

"Well she was, but she thought that it would be more exciting that if she was captured and had to be rescued again. So she went and gave herself up."

"Oh come on…." Whined Kyon. "I was just going to watch the 1356th filler episode of Naruto! Well, I guess I just have to go and save that crazy girl again." Said Kyon. He gathered all his armor and weapons, applied some Axe deodorant, changed his week long undergarments and took the intergalactic subway to the Lucky Star. There was a huge door blocking the way and metal wire surrounding it. The Lucky Star itself was nothing but an oversized building in the shape of a six sided star with pink paint. After mentally facepalming, Kyon spotted Konata and Kagami – his partners in crime.

"Good to see you two again. I trust you've heard that Haruhi's been kidnapped." Said Kyon

"Yes, and we were waiting for you before we launched an assault. We just haven't been able to figure out how to enter." Said Kagami with a worried look on her face.

"It makes me feel so frustrated that I think that I should just try opening the darn door!" said Konata while doing exactly that. Surprisingly the door just opened without any resistance. Kyon and Kagami just facepalmed.

"I can't believe Yuki forgot to lock the door again….." said Kyon. Just before they were about to enter Taniguchi Skywalker came into sight.

"Hey guys, what's up?" asked the pea-brained Jedi.

"You're a main character and you decided to show up NOW? Where the hell were you?" said Kyon.

"Umm you see, I was alone at home and I had free internet access soooo…"

"Please stop!" said Kagami while shielding her eyes. "Konata does enough of that for my liking anyways!"

"You do know that I have eyes only for manga, music anime and you, don't you Kagami?" said Konata while adopting a suggestive tone.

"Could we just continue?" begged Kyon.

"Yeah, but where do we go?" asked Kagami.

"How about we try this?" asked Taniguchi, pointing to a door which had a sign 'DO NOT OPEN' above it.

"Well, it worked last time." Said Kyon while opening the door. On the other side there were huge tubes that were used for holding prisoners. Inside the tubes there were numerous Jedi's and other people including Master Tusruya, Mikuru the Hutt, Obi-Wan Itsuki, Edward Cullen and Michael Jackson.

"So he _didn't _die after all. I knew it all along that he was in hiding!" said Konata while asking him for his autograph.

"Hey what about me, I'm famous too!" said Edward while waving his arms in the air.

"…I'm not going to comment on that." Said everyone in the room at the same time.

"Anyways moving on, how in the world did you manage to get yourself into this mess Itsuki?" asked Kyon.

"Well, it was something like this….."

*EPIC FLASHBACK SCENE*

Yuki and Itsuki were nearing each other, ready to strike. Just when they were about to start fighting though, Yuki threw a book in Itsuki's direction.

"PLAYBOY!" screamed Itsuki while dropping his glowstick and lunging towards the bunny girl magazine.

"That was too easy…bitch."

*EPIC END OF EPIC FLASHBACK SCENE*

"Playboy claims another victim. Herh herh herh." Laughed Master Tusruya.

"Kyooooooon-kuuuun" said Mikuru the Hutt while jumping onto Kyon Solo, who was crushed underneath.

"For the 10th time Mikuru, you CANNOT go around jumping at people. It's too dangerous, and not to mention slimy!"

"Well now that we're here, where do we go now?" asked Kagami.

"Wait, has anyone seen Princess Haruhi yet?" asked Konata. Right on cue, there was a piercing scream from the adjoining room along the lines of "NOOOOOOO!" As soon as Kyon heard that he slid underneath Mikuru's slimy frame and bounded towards the door at full speed, everyone including the sparkling vampire following him.

"HARUHI!" screamed Kyon while throwing the door open. There was a long narrow bridge with a steep fall on both sides. On the center of the Bridge Haruhi was lying on the ground, with Yuki over her. Kyon ran towards Haruhi at full speed.

"Haruhi, are you okay?"

"Do I look ok to you idiot?" shouted Haruhi.

"Umm well actually you look pretty much fine to me. What did Yuki do to you?" asked Kyon.

"Yuki was boring me to death by repeating the same crappy joke over and over again! I just can't take it anymore!" said Haruhi while running into Kyon's arms.

*Inhale* "Because of such meticulous practice I am now ready to crack that joke." *Exhale*

Yuki turned towards Taniguchi Skywalker and looked at him with a piercing gaze.

"Luke, I am your father!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO, it can't be!" screamed Taniguchi while jumping off the bridge and killing himself.

"What, are you serious!" asked Itsuki?

"LOL just kidding bitches! I use protection!" laughed Yuki while removing a packet of _Desire_ condoms.

"…" said everyone

"That was quite possibly the most horrible joke I have EVER heard!" said Kyon while facepalming.

"Tell me about it, I got so BORED listening to it over and over again!" said the yellow-ribboned tsundere.

"You really are evil aren't you?" said Konata.

"Flattery won't get you anywhere….bitch!" replied Yuki

"Darth Yuki, you must die for the sins that you have committed. The dark side has corrupted you too much. You must be slain!" declared Itsuki while raising his glowstick.

"FOR SPARTA!" shouted the gay vampire. Everyone looked at him.

"Oops sorry, wrong movie!"

"AARGH, I HATE SPARKLY VAMPIRES!" said Yuki while throwing a coin into the dark abyss below the bridge.

"Ooooh, shiny" said Edward as he jumped off the bridge.

"Die!" screamed Itsuki as he, Master Tsuruya, Kyon Solo, Kagami, Konata and Haruhi all attacked Darth Yuki. Miukuru being as useless as she was sat on the sidelines wearing a cheering outfit that she had purchase at a 50% discount from the cosplay shop.

*ONE VERY EPIC AND MIND-NUMBING FIGHT SCENE LATER*

Kyon Solo and his companions lay on the ground, completely worn out and shattered while Darth Yuki was standing over all of them, grinning broadly.

"It seems that you bitches did not anticipate my secret weapon." Said Yuki while showing everyone the second season DVD of Haruhi Suzumiya.

"Please, no more Endless Eight, I CANT FUCKING TAKE IT!" screamed Konata.

"You truly are evil Darth Yuki!" said Kyon before collapsing onto the ground with exhaustion.

"Now that you idiots are dealt with, there is only one person left." Said Yuki while turning her attentions to Mikuru the Hutt. The latter was panting and holding it's chest in the cheerleading outfit in an attempt to motivate everyone.

"Our last hope, Mikuru the Hutt is, nyoro!" said Master Tsuruya.

"We are so freaking screwed now…." Said Princess Haruhi and Konata.

"For the first time in my life I agree with both of you crazy idiots." Said Kagami. Suddenly Kyon Solo managed to look up. His eyes locked with Mikuru's and he looked at her with a steely determination.

"Mikuru, you are our last hope. You have to try and stop Darth Yuki! You can do it, I believe in you!" said Kyon before collapsing again. Mikuru felt a new sensation flooding into her.

For the first time ever, Mikuru experienced the feeling of confidence.

"That is the biggest load of cheesy sentimental bullcrap I have ever heard. Lets just get this over with!" said Yuki while drawing her pink glowstick. Mikuru was helpless, but she couldn't give up. She had to try her best, so she brought her fingers towards her eyes.

"Mi-mi-mi Mikuru Beam!" shouted Mikuru in a deep voice. There was a blinding light and the whole area was covered with smoke. After some time the smoke finally settled down.

And before everyone stood Dora the Explorer.

"Oh its Dora the Explorer, I'm _so_ scared! What is she going to do, educate me to death?" laughed Darth Yuki.

"Hola!" said Dora in a strong Italian accent while firing a laser beam at Yuki and killing her before disappearing.

"….I cannot believe that actually worked." said Konata.

"Kyooooon-kuuuuun!" said Mikuru the Hutt while jumping at Kyon who was still down on the ground.

"Well everyone!" said Itsuki while turning towards some random camera that just appeared from somewhere. "The universe is now free from the clutches of Darth Yuki and her fearsome plans; plans not released to you viewers as the authors were too lazy to come up with anything. This is goodbye from us at the Star Wars Universe!"

"Itsuki, you can't just go around breaking the fourth wall!" said Haruhi.

"Well….SCREW THE FOURTH WALL, I HAVE SCOTTISH KILTS! THIS IS THE END OF THIS STORY!" screamed Itsuki.

"I hate all of you…." Came Edward's voice from the dark abyss.

*EPIC STAR WARS CLOSING THEME SIGNIFYING ENDING*

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**X- I can't believe we just wrote this. I just hope that we don't get banned from or something.**

**Y- Are you kidding me, this is the awesomest piece of shit we have ever written! And it's Star Wars, so even if it sucks everyone will like it!**

**X- There is no use of reasoning with you...This is the last time ever that we are going to do a Haruhi/Lucky Star/Star Wars/Twilight Crossover…..**

**Y-No way, we have to do something like this again!**

**X-Just shut up, or I'm going to make you watch the Endless Eight and all Naruto and Bleach fillers at the same time!**

**Y – Forget that I said anything…..**

**X- Anyways, do you realize that we've got an enormous electricity bill this time? Do you know why? Because we used so many darn glowsticks! What do you have to say about that?**

**Y – Well I have only one thing to say from my side**

**.**

**.**

**.**

**.**

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**R&R BITCHES!**

**This is an XXX production. We are not responsible for any loss of sanity suffered as a consequence of reading this fanfiction. All complaints should be re-directed to any random number.**

**We do not own anything in this fan fic except for the Broken Toyota which was used for the transition in the first scene. It is now in the junkyard.**


	4. The Plotline finally arrives

One day In the S.O.S Brigade clubroom –

Things were normal.

Kyon was surprised.

Then an asteroid hit the school building and Itsuki ate it.

Haruhi just yawned and decided to go and ear-rape Mikuru again.

Nagato was at the range, practicing the use of her new rifle…She won the gold medal in the Haruhilympics….Bitch.

And then they finally ordered a pizza…

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

(AND OTHERS)

THAT WAS THE VERY FIRST CRAPPINESS OF HARUHI SUZUMIYA FILLER.

*OBLIGATORY CLAPPING*

NOW, YOU MAY GO DIE….BITCH!

X – You will die, if you don't continue reading. Nagato is quite skilled….

Y – Umm dude, she's a _fictional _character…..

X – NO! You shouldn't have said that! Don't you remember what happened last time?

Y – Yeah, but that was just an accident…

X – There are no accidents!

*Bullet whizzes past Y's head, missing by only a few inches*

"When beggars die, there are no comets seen," a voice said from some dark forsaken corner.

X and Y - ….

X – Anyways, our plotline just came back from the movie!

Y – Looks pretty pissed to me….

Plotline – I just watched 3 movies of Twilight at one go…

X and Y – We pity you. We really do. But we need you to get more reviews! This is what you're paid for!

Plotline – Yeah, about that…. I want a raise!

Y – Sure, sure. Plotline satisfaction is the key to success. Let's see, we'll double your salary. How does that sound?

Plotline – Hey, that's great! Thanks guys! I'll get to work immediately after this stupid conversation gets over!

*Voice from somewhere* - Turn to the dark side of the force plotline. They are tricking you! Nyoro~

Plotline – Shut up, bitch! They're doubling my pay!

Voice – How much do you get paid anyway?

Plotline - *mumbles something incoherent*

Voice – What in nyoro's name was that? Nyoro?

X and Y – Don't listen to him! We have Spanish Cookies!

Plotline – OOH! I LOVE COOKIE!GIMME!

Voice – I will give you.

.

.

.

.

.

A DATE WITH BELLA! MUWAHAHAHAHA!

Plotline – Cowards die many times before their deaths….

X and Y – Oh shit, he's turned to something worse than the dark side.

Voice – Yes, it's the SHAKESPEARE SIDE!

*Obligatory Evil Laugh – sponsored by _Desire_ condoms*

And if any of you are wondering what that conversation was – it was the sequel to the filler while we, X and Y, were sunbathing in Antarctica.

Now the true story starts. Please bear with us. Actually we don't care, bitch!

Ok we do, we want reviews. NOW the true story starts.

5

4

3

2

1

"This is BBC News, live from Antarctica. Penguins in this area seem to have gone bonkers for some goddamn reason which made my boss horny!"

"Shut up Haruhi…." said Kyon, taking away the fake mike from her.

"But Penguins are sexy! They can even compare with Mikuru-chan!"

"Really? I have a couple of penguin soft-toys at home…. Need I say anymore?"said Kyon.

"Hey can a third person get into this?" asked Itsuki, "And how about involving your sister as well?"

"Itsuki, that's a great idea!" said Haruhi.

"_Really!_" squealed Itsuki.

"Yes! It involves Penguins!" screamed Haruhi.

"You both are the biggest PERVERTS I HAVE EVER COME ACROSS!" said Kyon.

"Hey guys" said Taniguchi before slipping and falling face-first into Mikuru's boobs.

"Aaaaaahhhhh! They're sucking me in! HALP!HEL-"he said.

"Kyooooon-kuuuun!" Mikuru screeched, while panting and grabbing at her Jabba the Hutt stomach.

"CUT! That was in the last chapter! Stick to me!" screamed the plotline.

"Okay,Okay…. It's just…. The readers like a little variety!"

"No! The readers like ME!"

Suddenly the whole area was filled with a terrifying mist. There was evil laughter and the sound of thunder and amateur guitarists strumming for no reason whatsoever.

"MY EARS!" screamed everyone.

"This can only be one person!" said Itsuki.

"Shut up bitch, I'm behind you," Said Yuki, reading his mind.

"Then who the hell is it?" asked Kyon

Voice – I am the most evil guy created since Santa Claus. Bow before my power!

"Oh no, it's MICKEY MOUSE! EVERY MAN, WOMAN AND HUTT FOR THEMSELVES!" screamed Haruhi.

"NO you idiots! It is I, superstarultra! I am the author of the fic YouGotHaruhiRolled!"

"Oh it's that guy…..you're not really that scary," said Haruhi while scooping up the nearest Penguin.

"WHAT! I'll have you know that I have tortured you guys in my fic. I have made you go through such pain and misery that my readers have nearly given me a thousand reviews!"

X and Y – That's what we want dammit! Take him to the nearest theatre! Eclipse is releasing today!

"DAMN YOU!" said super while taking out his walkie-talkie.

X – Oh who are you gonna call, Tarzan?

"No, I shall call someone so terrifying that you shall regret ever making fun of me! I shall call Haruhi Suzumiya!"

"Umm, IM ALREADY HERE!" said the yellow-ribboned tsundere.

"Oh shit…" said Super. "Then I'll call AlonsoMassa!"

X and Y – Present sir

"…" said Super. "I'm going now, but I'll be back!" he said while executing an epic exit scene.

Plotline – Get back to work dammit! You are all idiots!

"And YOU are a twidiot!" said Haruhi.

Plotline - Damn it! I would have killed you if you didn't have god like powers and weren't so damn hot!

"Don't compliment her. It goes to her head, or whatever she has of it," said Nagato. "BITCH!" she added for fanservice.

"Ahh fanservice, what a wonderful thing," said Itsuki.

"Umm hello, I'm still in Mikuru's boobs," came Taniguchi's muffled voice.

"Shut up Taniguchi, you know you're enjoying it," said an annoyed Kyon.

Back to the plotline…..

Plotline – Can't you see I'm in the toilet? What does one have to do to get some privacy around here?

"One simply has to own a shotgun and know how to use it,"said Nagato.

Plotline - It's that simple?

"You also need to be an alien connected to the Integrated Thought Data Entity and have superior technical and physical attributes to go along with quantum photoelectric ethylium benzoate used to create the interface – that is me," said Nagato.

Plotline – Aww man….well at least she didn't call me a –

"BITCH!"

Back at Antarctica, which is actually the clubroom with a cheesy white background and soft toy penguins stolen from the Computer Club President's bedroom.

It was an extremely difficult mission to get them. It involved a liposuction for Mikuru the Hutt and then the usage of her elephantine chest…. You get the idea…

Suddenly the Prez burst in.

"Aha! I knew you had my lovelies!" he said.

"You mean these?" Haruhi said while grabbing one and squeezing it rather inappropriately, while the Prez looked on with a look of extreme agony on his face.

"My Preeeecoius!" he screamed while lunging at Haruhi.

"Suzumiya-san!" screamed Itsuki while lunging towards Kyon's sister.

"Kyon's sister!" screamed Kyon while lunging at Mikuru's breasts.

"THIS IS MINE!" screamed Taniguchi while lunging towards Nagato's shotgun.

"THIS IS SPARTA!" said Nagato while lunging towards the Hentai game collection.

Plotline – I LOVE YOU HARUHI!

*Everyone stops in mid-lunge*

"SAY WHAT!" asked Kyon, still stuck in mid-lunge.

"YOU TWO-TIMING BASTARD!" screamed Bella Swan while panting and grabbing her chest.

Y – Wait, you actually _like_ Twilight don't you?

X – NO! YOU IDIOT! No self-respecting guy _ever _likes Twilight_._. BITCH!

Plotline – Hey that's harsh!

"Wait….you actually like me?" asked Haruhi.

Plotline – LOL JK, I just wanted to screw up the dramatics….and also sleep with you but that can always be done later beautiful. *Winks*

*EPIC SOUND OF EPIC SHOTGUN BEING FIRED FOLLOWED BY EPIC DEATH SCENE OF EPIC PLOTLINE*

"Oh thou bleeding piece of earth –"

"OH SHUT UP ANTONY!" screamed everyone.

"Dang it…..out of another job," said Antony while running away with as many of Yuki's hentai games as he could carry for Brutus.

Everyone looked at Yuki to see whether she fired the shotgun, but she was still mid-air playing Hentai games at desiregames(dot)com– sponsored by _Desire_ condoms.

"Wait, if she didn't fire the gun, then who did?" asked Mikuru, actually having a proper line for once.

"IT WAS HER!" screamed Itsuki while pointing at Kyon's sister.

"Meanie!" said KS while sticking out her tongue.

"Ok…" said Itsuki while rotating in mid-air. "THEN IT WAS KYON!" said Itsuki while rotating in mid-air – again. Everyone rotated in mid-air to see Kyon suspended in mid-air holding a shotgun suspended in mid-air.

"Hey Kyon…are you jealous or something?" asked Haruhi in a shy voice.

"Umm err, not really…" said Kyon while loosening his collar in mid-air.

Y – Then WHY THE HELL DID YOU SHOOT THE ONLY PLOTLINE WE HAD!

X - *Something in Spanish*

"Because…. I LOVE HARUHI!"

X – Wow, she's the most popular character around here…. Even Y's crazy about her.

Y – No I'm not…*Tears pages of his super secret epic diary and throws them in epic mid-air fire*

"Wait, why is everyone suspended in mid-air?" asked Kyon's sister – the only sane character around here.

"Ummm….." said everyone. Suddenly all of them fell flat on their face which pushed Taniguchi further into the depths of Mikuru's _thingies._

"Hey umm Kyon, so do you actually like me then?" asked Haruhi while blushing.

"Naah not really. I just wanted to mess with your head!" said Kyon.

*INSIDE KYON'S HEAD*

DAMMIT, I ACTUALLY LIKE HER BUT IM TOO CHICKEN TO ADMIT IT!

"Turn to the dark side of the force to gain your love!" said Darth Yuki while jumping in from the previous chapter.

"Y-yes master!" said the newly anointed Darth Kyon. "What must I do to gain her love?"

"You must suck Itsuki's cock!" said Darth Yuki.

"Wait….that's it? That's pretty easy.."

"OMG WTF! YOU'RE SICKER THAN ME! I'M OUTA HERE!" said Darth Yuki while jumping into the nearest vortex and going back to the previous chapter.

_HAHAHAHA! I KNEW THAT WOULD FOIL HER! _Thought Kyon.

*BACK OUTSIDE*

Haruhi looked at Kyon expectantly.

"Umm…. I have to be somewhere… it's really important… Cya later!"stuttered Kyon.

"Mommy told you not to lie!"said KS.

*INSIDE ITSUKI'S HEAD*

MAN, SHE REALLY TURNS ME ON.

X and Y – YOU FREAKIN' PAEDOPHILE!

GET OUT OF MY HEAD...NOW!

*OUTSIDE – AGAIN*

Ghost of Plotline while creepy cheesy music plays in the background – I shall have your souls!

"GET THE HELL BACK TO HELL!" shouted Grim Reaper while spanking Plotline.

Plotline – YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, I MUST HAVE MY SCREENTIME!

"That's what I've been telling them!" said Kunikida.

"OH SHUT UP!" said everyone.

Suddenly, Yuki took her shotgun and shot everyone in the heart while doing a ballet twirl in mid-air.

X and Y – Oh, beauty and terror together.

"Moves me to tears,"said Grim Reaper " Will you marry me?"

"My heart belongs to someone else, Bitch. I'm not in the mood to be hit on right now, but if you give me your number, I will call you back some other time," said Yuki who had shot everyone because they were not letting her concentrate on her pleasurable games.

Plotline – Shall we go, Yuki dear?

X and Y – Man, that plotline sure is a player!

"How you doin?" asked Joey Tribbiani.

Grim Reaper just shook his head and went back to torturing people's immortal souls!

"YES BABY! I HAVE A GOOD JOB!"said GR while spanking a two-year old who had somehow ended up at hell.

"Wait Grim Reaper – we the S.O.S Penguin Brigade fire you!" said Penguin Suzumiya while ear-raping Penguin Asahina. Penguin Kyon could be seen facepalming in the background.

X and Y – Ahh well, something's never change…

*EPIC ENDING SCENE WITH EPIC ENDING MUSIC*

* * *

**Disclaimer – We apologise to superstarultra for using him and invading his privacy. If you are reading this super, we're really sorry!**

**"BITCH!" said Yuki from behind.**

**See, Yuki likes your evil avatar! That should be enough to make you happy! Right?**

**On a more serious note we wrote this chapter to commemorate Super's one year anniversary of YGHR. We hope to see more from your side man!**

**So here's X and Y signing off for BBC News. R&R Bitches!**


	5. You've got to be kidding me! Part 1

One day in paradise, a dog barked. Taniguchi became a saint and Kunikida became a main character. Then Kunikida woke up. His dog was giving him a blowjob.

And thus began the story of how Kunikida became the dangerous and notorious dog raper.

And then Taniguchi woke up from his dream. Haruhi lay by his side.

Then Haruhi woke up from her nightmare.

Kyon was entangled in her sheets.

This was not a dream, bitches!

Sorry for that brief filler while we authors drank champagne and ate some caviar bruschetta.

Then X and Y got up.

*End Of Filler Music*

Plotline - ….., you guys are the cheapest bastards I have ever seen! No one puts two fanfic fillers in a row!

X and Y – Correction. We do! And while we're on the topic, we thought you were dead! Now that you're alive, you must dress up as a Spanish matador and slap Haruhi!

Plotline(afraid) – NOOOOO! That's more frightening then fightin' a bull while wearing a Ferrari suit!

X – ¿cómo te atreves ferrari insultarte maldito bastardo? La muerte ! BITCH!

*Y while looking at Google translate* - Oh, so _that's_ what it means!

* Readers look expectantly*

Y – I'm not telling you all, check yourself, BITCHES!

Antony jumps into the fic with a sex toy in his hand. He looks at it and thinks "I thought it was just a teleporter… Ah well, it'll come use!

Plotline – Why is he here? STICK TO ME, I SAID!

Y – This is a filler, it's not SUPPOSED to have a plotline. Go, shoo!

Antony – I translate! X said,"Will you have death-defying sex with me in a Ferrari car?"

X – WHAAAAT? NO! I never said that! I said, "How dare you insult Ferrari you damn bastard? Death!"

Antony – Oh damn, he speaks English… Can I have my job back,please?

X and Y – NO!

Antony – Pretty please, with sprinkles on top?*pouts* Nyooooro?

Edward and Tsuruya – That's copyrighted you BITCH!

*Inhale* "What did you say?" *Exhale* said Darth Yuki, taking out her pink glowstick. "I have a copyright!"

X and Y – Dora the Explorer killed you, didn't she?

"Oh, damn! You guys rememb-"

"HOLA!" said Dora, delighting all idiotic 7 year olds around the world. "I AM A SPANISH SCHOOLGIRL….and also a slut. Call me!"

*ONE VERY EPIC DEATH SCENE LATER*

"And that is how you use differential calculus in everyday life" said Dora.

"NOOOOOOO! THIS IS MADNESS!" said Darth Yuki while Mikuru the Hutt sat on her.

"Well, that turned out quite well!" said Edward. "Now let's go and meet some old men in charity homes!"

X and Y - *in an undertone* Stupid sparkly bitch… Go fight with Bella about having sex or something….. ASSHOLE!

Edward - *disappears*

Congratulations Readers, the Bitch has left the building! So now, LET'S END THE FILLER AND START THE FIC….

Yesterday, Kyon killed Haruhi. Before you get any ideas, it was while playing Counter-Strike. _Again._

"Sheesh Kyon, how many times do I have tell you that this isn't what I had in mind!" said a clearly frustrated Haruhi.

"Oh come on Haruhi, I OWNED YOU!" said Kyon, acting extremely excited and out of character. Haruhi took a leaf out of Kyon's book and executed an epic facepalm.

"Will you stop taking the one thing that all fans recognize me for away from me and give me some award? I OWNED YOU!" said Kyon while repeating the same line that he mentioned above. Our scriptwriter had to go to the toilet at this point. LOL JK…. He's having death-defying sex with his girlfriend in his Ferrari….

Haruhi presented Kyon with something she described as an "epic out-of-this-world extra-terrestrial critter who could one day obtain the mental capability to overthrow mankind while being sexy at the same time."

"Umm Haruhi….it's just a _Penguin_!" said Kyon.

"DON'T CALL IT JUST A PENGUIN! IT'S AN EPIC DEATH DEFYING EXTREMELY SKILLED COMMANDO PENGUIN!" shouted the Computer Club Prez while bursting through the door.

Then the grim reaper sliced his head off…. Yeah, he has issues….

Grim Reaper – Oops. _That _wasn't what I intended.*Shrugs* Aah, well…Back to work.*Picks up body and turns to leave*

"Umm, what exactly were you hoping to achieve while swinging your blade around like that? Mow your lawn?" asked Kyon.

GR – Actually yeah….Works like a charm!

"….You're weird. And that's coming from an hyperactive, arrogant self-obsessed bitch who possesses god-like powers," said Haruhi while looking at Grim Reaper.

GR - *Sniff*, I'm touched…..

"_Anyways_ moving on," said Haruhi while handing the penguin over to Kyon, "Take your prize and enjoy!"

"Oh rapture oh joy! It's a penguin!"Kyon said while squeezing it rather inappropriately.

Penguin – Why does this keep happening to me? I gonna report you to PETA! Nyoro~n!

"I sympathize with you penguin no. 156!" said Mikuru, jumping in randomly doing what she does best; panting and grabbing her heaving chest while delivering stupid unimportant one-liners.

"Seriously Mikuru, if you keep doing that then I'm going to get turned on!" said Haruhi, finally forgetting about her penguin fetish. Kyon and the Penguin looked at her.

Jealous Penguin – Nyooorooooo

"Shut up!" said Haruhi while blushing. "Just take the damn Penguin and be happy!" Before Kyon could say anything a shadow jumped into the clubroom through the window, executed an epic Matrix-style scene while taking out enough time to polish its shotgun. It then proceeded to grab the Penguin and slide away through a random Plot-hole. "Bitch!" was its parting word.

"Hmm…..I have a feeling that it was Yuki!" said Haruhi while rubbing her chin thoughtfully.

"Oh how did you _ever_ figure that out?" said Kyon sarcastically.

"You must jump into that hole, Kyon!" said Antony, "FOR JUSTICE! FOR HUMANITY! FOR THIS CHAPTER TO HAVE A PLOTLINE!"

Plotline – What am I? Smoked cheese?

"NYOOOOROOOO!" came a dangerous voice.

Plotline – I'm tired of telling you to stick – What was that?

*ONE VERY EPIC PLOTLINE/SMOKED CHEESE EATING SCENE LATER*

"Burrrrrrrrp" said a satisfied Tsuruya.

Antony – Yeah, as I was saying…. YOU MUST GO AND JUMP IN THE VERY INNOCENT AND NON-DEVIOUS LOOKING HOLE TO SAVE HUMANITY! BE A HERO KYON!

"What about me!" asked the enraged tsundere.

"Oh you….You're not that important. You just serve as eye candy in this whole story," said Antony while blowing his nails.

"No, that's Mikuru!" said Haruhi.

"Ohhhhh…Then who the hell are you?" asked Antony.

"I AM HARUHI SUZUMIYA! THE CHIEF OF THE SOS BRIGADE! BOW BEFORE MY POWER FELLOW FICTIONAL CHARACTER!"

"Umm Haruhi….it's time to take your medicine," said Kyon.

"She's a handful ain't she?" said Antony. "Cleopatra was the same! Dominating hot bitch….."

"Tell me about it….."

"You guys know that I'm here right?" said Haruhi in a dangerous tone.

"Oh shit…." Said Kyon and Antony together.

X and Y – JUMP INTO THE DAMN HOLE ALREADY! Otherwise we'll introduce Plotline number 2!

Bella/Plotline no.2 – Hey guys! I hope that we work together and have a lot of sex!

"JUMP IN THE HOLE!"said Kyon and Antony while, well, jumping in the hole.

Bella/Plotline no.2 (in a husky voice) – You know, I make it a point to never distinguish in the basis of sex, 'cause I'm a slut aren't I?

Haruhi - *disappears as she had jumped in the hole the moment she heard Bella's 'husky' voice*

Bella/Plotline no.2 – Damn….I'm so lonely

Jacob – I'm always here for you Bella!

Bella/Plotline no.2 – Oh Jacob!

Jacob – LOL JK BITCH, I'M GAY WITH EDWARD!

Bella/Plotline no.2 – I don't mind threesomes you know!

Jacob - *Jumps into the hole…..and dies*

/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/

"Cause it's the FILLER, FILLER TIME! Girl, I can fill you more than any ghost would ever dare try!" said Michael Jackson while holding his cock and doing the moonwalk.

GR - *Ahem Ahem* You, my friend, need help! And when will you realize that you're DEAD?

"You'll never take me alive!" said MJ while shaking his fist.

GR -THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE DEAD! *Facepalm*

"But the fans need me!" said MJ.

GR - No, the fans need smoked cheese! Now get back to hell otherwise I'll tell Edward that you're alive!

"Nooooooooo! The last time I met him he raped me like a hyperactive fangirl!" said MJ while shuddering.

GR – Works like a charm every time…..

*END OF MINI-MINI-MINI-MINI FILLER*

/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/

*IN HOLE*

"And here is a message from our sponsors – _Desire_ Condoms. After all, prevention is better than cure!" said Itsuki while dancing around in a condom suit.

"GET ME OUT OF HERE!" screamed everyone.

"Oooh…I love my life!" said Itsuki, while looking at Kyon and his sister.

*HOLE IN HOLE APPEARS*

"FREEDOM, LIBERTY! TYRANNY IS DEAD!" screamed Casca while rubbing Itsuki's cock.

"Oh shut up you minor character," said Antony.

X - JUST JUMP IN THE GODDAMN HOLE!

Y – Please…..just do it for the sake of more reviews.

"REVIEWS!" screamed everyone while jumping into the hole.

*EPIC STAR WARS ENTRANCE MUSIC*

"Wait….STAR WARS AGAIN!" screamed Haruhi. "Sooo Boring!"

X and Y – Well, your only other choice is to go in a Twilight movie. What will it be then?

"We're fine, we're fine!" said Kyon, while putting his hand on Haruhi's mouth.

Suddenly all of them were in a colosseum, with no one there for miles. However on further inspection a figure with a extremely scary black suit and black cape could be seen. What made it _extremely_ scary however is that it had a pink glowstick in it's hand.

"Oh no, it's –" said Mikuru, being cut off….once again.

"BITCH!" resounded the figure's voice inside the whole colosseum.

"Darth Yuki!" said the Hole.

"YEAH! THAT'S WHO IT IS!" said everyone. "Just go back to being what you were, there's no need to act smart!"

"Damn main characters…" muttered the Hole under its non-existent breath.

"Anyways, moving on….why are you here Darth Yuki? Dora the Explorer has already killed you twice!" said Itsuki, who was a huge fan of the latter.

"I am here to take my revenge on all of you bitches! Prepare to die!" said Yuki while taking out her pink glowstick.

"You do realize that we outnumber you 5 to 1…don't you?" said Haruhi, actually using logic for once.

"That's what you think!" said Darth Yuki. "Here are my apprentices!"

Suddenly the sky turned dark and there was cheesy evil laughter all around. An owl hooted, a cat meowed, a bird chirped, a woodpecker pecked, a woodchuck chucked, a bull bellowed, a –

X and Y together – Shut up!

"Moving on – here are my apprentices!"

"I am superstarultra, here for my revenge!"

"I am ObsidianWarrior, here to help super!"

"I am aprilfool1993, here for no apparent reason!"

"I am FerrariisBetter, here to have death-defying sex in a Ferrari!" Everyone looked at him.

"Moving on now…." Said Darth Yuki. "GO MY YOUNG/NOT SO YOUNG SITH LORDS! USE YOUR GLOWSTICKS!"

"Let's beat em guys!" said an overly enthusiastic Haruhi, while taking out her blue glowstick.

"You will never beat us Haruhi!" said ObsidianWarrior while taking out his red glowstick.

"Lets go to the pub after this!" said aprilfool1993, while taking out his glowstick in mid-air.

"April….SHUT UP AND FIGHT!" said superstarultra, while taking out his glowstick – Matrix style.

*ONE VERY EPIC AND MIND-NUMBING HOLLYWOOD STYLE FIGHT/DEATH SCENE LATER*

X - YOU KILLED OUR MAIN CHARACTERS!

Y – NOW HOW THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO CONTINUE THE FIC? IT'S ALL OVER! NO MORE REVIEWS!

*EPIC ECHO SCENE*

"REVIEWS"

"REVIEWS"

"REVIEWS"

"REVIEWS"

"Ok…..what was all that about?" asked Darth Yuki.

"Dude super…..these guys are getting up!" exclaimed FerrariisBetter.

"OMG WTF!" said everyone together. The revived Haruhi got up and went towards them. She had a deadly look in her eyes.

"Oh shit…." Said ObsidianWarrior

"We're screwed," said super

"Let's go back to the review page and well….REVIEW!" said aprilfool1993

"I agree with you!" said FerrariisBetter, while all of them jumped into another hole and went back to reality.

X and Y – I hope those guys knew what we were implying. If we don't get over 45 reviews after this chapter…

Darth Haruhi – I'LL KILL YOU ALL!

"That's it, I'm getting out the ammunition," said Darth Yuki.

"Lets see what you've got!" said Kyon.

*EPIC EVIL MUSIC PLAYS*

"Oh no it can't be!" screamed Itsuki.

"This is crazy!" whimpered Mikuru.

"You've got to be kidding me…." Facepalmed Kyon

"I HATE YOU!" screamed Darth Haruhi.

"DIE BITCHES!" screamed Darth Yuki. "HERE IS MY NEW APPRENTICE!"

Kyon's Sister – Umm, hi guys!

X and Y – Ooh Ooh, a cliffhanger!

"I HATE THOSE!" screamed Darth Haruhi.

"Haruhi….medicine time," said Kyon.

"Yay! I want the chocolate flavoured medicine!" said Haruhi while clapping her hands together.

"How did you do that!" said an astounded Darth Yuki.

"It's easy when you know how," winked Kyon.

GR – You guys are crazy…I don't want any of you in hell, PLEASE!

*TO BE CONTINUED*

Or maybe not….

Everyone just dies…..

Unless…

You readers give us more smoked cheese to satisfy Tsuruya!

"Nyoooroooo" said Tsuruya.

That's us X and Y signing out. We will update…maybe.

Ahh don't worry, we will. We're pretty much jobless anyways. So R & R BITCHES!


	6. You've got to be kidding me! Part 2

"AND HERE IS MY NEW APPRENTICE!" screamed Darth Yuki, while a cheap band hired at 5 dollars a year played some epic evil music using spoons and glasses.

"Who is it, WHO THE HELL IS IT? I WANNA KNOW, NOW!" said Haruhi while taking out her lightsaber.

"A Jedi is supposed to have the virtue of patience!" said Kyon from behind.

"Ahh screw it, I never liked the Jedi codes much anyways," said Haruhi.

"Will you stupid lovebirds stop fighting and PAY ATTENTION TO MY EPIC EVILNESS!" said Darth Yuki.

"We're _not _lovebirds!" shouted Haruhi and Kyon together.

"_Sure_, and pigs can fly…" said Darth Yuki

X - A whole load of shit is gonna happen when pigs fly.

Y – What about Swine 'Flu' then? *Laughs at his own joke*

X -*Facepalms*

Back to the story….

*Sound of nails scratching a blackboard*

"Aargh!" screamed everyone.

"Ok now, JUST SHUT UP AND LISTEN YOU BITCHES!" said Darth Yuki, while inhaling and exhaling at the speed of light.

"Ok, what is it? Spit it out already!" said Haruhi, while ear raping Mikuru the Hutt.

"Here is my new apprentice!"

"Umm lady, we're not going to play more evil music if you don't increase our fee…" said Justin Bieber and his band of gay singers.

"Ok, you know what, I give up. Let the bloody bitch just introduce herself already!" said Darth Yuki.

X – She was already introduced in the last chapter, wasn't she?

"What did you say?" asked Yuki while pulling out her shotgun.

Y – Umm nothing…..Nice weather we're having aren't we?

"This is BBC News, LIVE from some unknown land, presenting to you the weather report –

Y – I DIDN'T MEAN IT LITERALLY! Damn BBC bastards….

"Hehehehehehehehehe" came an evil/cute laughter from somewhere.

"Wow, what was that!" said Itsuki, aroused.

"This, bitches, is my new apprentice. Lord Kyon's sister!" said Darth Yuki.

"Hi guys!" said Lord Kyon's Sister

She will now be referred to as lord KS.

"Who's voice was that?" said an alarmed Haruhi.

Oh it's just the author, paying no attention to rule of fanfic writing and interacting with his imaginary characters.

"Oh….makes sense" said Haruhi.

"Haruhi, medication time!" said Kyon.

"Oh! Oh! Chocolate one, please!" exclaimed Haruhi while jumping up and down like a little child.

"WILL YOU LISTEN TO THE SITH!" exclaimed Darth Yuki.

"Why don't I get a dialogue?" asked Mikuru the Hutt.

"Shut up!" said Lord KS.

"You can't be a Sith Lord!" said Kyon.

"And why not?" asked Lord KS in a menacing/cute voice.

"Because it's past your bedtime, and cause mommy said so!" said Kyon.

"Aw, man! Mommy doesn't let me do anything fun!" said LKS, sticking her tongue out.

"Ahhhhh… So Moe….." said Itsuki while rubbing a certain part of his body rigorously

"Ahh yes, I can feel your anger young lord KS. Channel your anger, use it to your advantage!" said Darth Yuki in a creepy tone.

"Ahh shut up, you're mean!" said Lord KS.

"Why in the world is she a Sith Lord?" said Kyon while facepalming. "Even Shamisen is more evil than her!"

"Good idea…." Said Darth Yuki. "Turn to the dark side of the force young Shamisen!" she said to Shamisen, who just popped in from nowhere. "Together we will rule the galaxy, as humanoid and cat. Join me, what do you say?"

"Meoooww" said Shamisen while being hugged by Lord KS.

"Face it Darth Yuki, no one cares about the dark side of the force anymore. It's not hip enough," said Haruhi.

"Ok, that's it. I will summon a monster so powerful that it will make little kids leave Pokemon, FOREVER!" said Darth Yuki.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried Itsuki, while taking out his Pokeball. "I love my Charizard too much!"

"Itsuki, you're not a kid. You're a pedo!" said Kyon

"You've got to understand your quarry…." Said Itsuki while winking mischievously at Kyon.

"WILL ANYONE PAY ATTENTION TO ME SUMMONING A DEADLY MONSTER WHO CAN KILL YOU ALL IN THE FALSH OF A DAMN SECOND!" said Darth Yuki,

"Is it a Penguin!" said Haruhi, while shaking Kyon vigorously.

"Umm, NO!" said Darth Yuki. "Now die!" she said while waving her pink glowstick frantically.

*Epic evil Justin Bieber music starts playing*

"And here we are at the best burger joint in New York!" said Percy Jackson, appearing out of thin air.

"No, kelp-head, we left New York miles ago! This is a colosseum!" said Annabeth.

"Is that the place where they make collars?" asked Grover from behind.

"So _these _are the monsters who can destroy us in milliseconds…. I'm so scared," said Kyon.

"Who the hell are these guys? No, wait isn't that yellow-ribboned girl that self-obsessed, bossy, weird and retarded bitch of a Japanese anime character?" said Grover.

"You took the words right out of my mouth…" said Kyon.

"Excuse me?" said Haruhi.

"Nothing, just commenting on the nice weather we're having…." said Kyon while looking away.

Y – You can't steal my excuse. It's against the law!

"Well actually, you're using another author's characters, which is also against the law," said Annabeth.

Y – Smartass…..

"You took the word right out of _my _mouth!" said Percy.

"Excuse me?" said Annabeth.

"Umm nothing…just commenting on the nice weather we're having!" said Percy quickly.

"Why is everyone commenting on the weather? It's a colosseum, damn it! IT HAS NO WEATHER!" shouted Grover.

"Wow, logic coming from a high half-horse! That's exactly what the SOS Brigade has been looking for Kyon!"

"I'm a half-goat, thank you very much!" said an annoyed Grover.

"Ahh well, then you don't suit my purpose," said Haruhi, going back to being a self-obsessed arrogant bitch.

"WHO SAID THAT!" screamed Haruhi.

Damn it, why does our voice always leak? Switch the damn mike off!

Moving on….

"HAVE YOU PAID YOUR INCOME TAX?"

X and Y – WRONG CHANNEL!

Moving on again….

"Try the new sauna belt, it really works!" said Mikuru the Hutt, while grabbing her heaving stomach and panting. "I lost 2 whole pounds in 5 months!"

X and Y – JUST PUT THE CORRECT CHANNEL ON ALREADY!

"Meanies!" said Lord KS, while changing the channel.

Moving moving on…

"Nobody like goats anymore…" bawled Grover.

"I sympathize with you…" said Mikuru the Hutt, who still hadn't taken off the belt. "Nobody likes Hutts either!"

"Finally, someone who understands me!" said Grover.

X and Y – Why in the world have Grover and Mikuru gone off into that corner? Uhhhhh…that just sounded so wrong.

Moving moving moving moving –

"SHUT UP ALREADY!" said Darth Yuki. "You're giving me an evil headache, and distracting Shamisen!"

"Anyways, my name is Haruhi Suzumiya, leader of the SOS Brigade!" said Haruhi to Annabeth. "And this is Itsuki, Mikuru the Hutt, Darth Yuki, Lord KS and…"

Kyon looked on expectantly….

"…..yeah, that's Shamisen!" said Haruhi.

"She never introduces me….." muttered Kyon under his breath. "Damn arrogant dominating extremely hot bitch….."

"Tell me about it…" said Percy. "I know exactly how you feel."

Meanwhile 5 yards away

"That guy is _so _ignorant! He wouldn't see a hint to make a move even if it was dancing naked in front of him!" said Annabeth.

"Tell me about it!" said Haruhi. "That Kyon can't understand that all those weekend searches were excuses to get close to him!"

"I know, why don't we work together to get our targets!" said Annabeth.

"I think this is going to be the start of a beautiful friendship!" said Haruhi, while smirking.

"You know that we guys can hear you right?" said Percy.

"Don't piss Haruhi off, she has the power to destroy the world!" said Kyon while whispering in Percy's ear.

"Oh so does Annabeth….believe me!" said Percy

"You know that we can hear you right?" said Haruhi and Annabeth.

"Oh shit….." said Kyon.

"What do you usually do when Annabeth is after your life?" asked Kyon.

"Run… _really_ fast," Said Percy.

"Damn, that doesn't work. Haruhi is way too athletic…" said Kyon.

"Then I shall call my faithful steed….. BLACKJACK!" shouted Percy.

_Sorry boss, I ain't takin this risk… No life insurance. One self-obsessed, arrogant bitch was enough.. Two? No way….. _whinnied the black Pegasus.

"Then I shall call my faithful steed, SHAMISEN!" said Kyon.

"Shut up idiot! I'm working on turning him to the dark side of the force!" said Yuki while feeding Shamisen some kitty treats.

Five yards away….

"How do you usually deal with Kyon?" asked Annabeth.

"Well, I usually just pull his tie and boss him around like a self obsessed arrogant bitch!" said Haruhi.

"Wait…..isn't that a little too physical?" asked Annabeth.

"Well, that's the point! Jeez, I thought you were more intelligent…." Said Haruhi.

Meanwhile approximately 23.565984869793285879486848687 inches away…..

"Hot dog! Hot dog! Get your hot dog!" said a random hot-dog seller.

"Already got one here" said Itsuki, pointing towards his _ahem._

"God, you guys are CRAZY!" said the hot dog vendor while running away at the speed of a tortoise ….

..

..

..

..

ON FIRE!

"Damn, even he's gone…." Said Itsuki, while taking out his Music Player.

"Lonely, Im . I have nobody, for my oooooooooooowwwwwwwwnnnnnnn –"

"Can I have a hot dog?" asked Lord KS evilly/cutely.

"….This calls for a change of soundtrack!" said Itsuki.

"SEX BOMB SEX BOMB, YOURE MY SEX BOMB!" sang Itsuki.

X – And all was well in the world of Haruhi Suzumiya/Percy Jackson…

Y – You sound like an old grandmother telling her grandchildren a fairytale…..

Apollo - *takes off sunglasses* And I am so cool!

X and Y – You can't be cool, you're the sun god!

Apollo – I can prove it to you. Where's that haiku I just wrote.

X and Y – No no, you're cool. You're very cool!

Apollo – Yeah, I know…

*END*

* * *

**X - And we finish another chapter that we've finished all on our OWN!**

**Y - No we havent! We took the help of AskSomeoneWhoKnows for writing the Percy Jackson stuff! Never try to go against the power of copyright, it leads to the dark side of the force!**

**ASWK - That's the biggest load of bullshit I've ever heard!**

**X - Yeah...we guys are crazy, so get used to it! **

**ASWK - *Facepalms***

**On a more serious note, thanks to AskSomeoneWhoKnows for helping out with the Percy Jackson side of things. Go check out his fic Percy Jackson and the Wine Of Zeus for more Percy Jackson comedy that will have you laughing your lungs out. As for now - **

**R & R BITCHES!  
**


	7. The Pedo Strikes Back

**One day, Itsuki decided to kidnap Kyon's sister.**

**Yuki – About time, bitch.**

**X and Y – Yuki, you don't talk like that….**

**Yuki – So?**

**X and Y – Isn't that a little OOC?**

**Yuki – So?**

**X and Y – PEOPLE WON'T READ OR REVIEW OUR FIC!**

**Yuki – So?**

**X and Y – ARENT YOU A LITTLE BIT CONCERNED?**

**Yuki - …..No**

**X and Y – AAARRGGHHHH! *Both facepalm***

**"PAY ATTENTION TO MY EPIC EVIL PLOT TO KIDNAP KYON'S SISTER!" screamed Itsuki.**

**Yuki – No….Bitch *Grins***

**X and Y - Lets just start the fic shall we?**

**Yuki - …..**

***INSIDE X AND Y'S MIND***

**PLEASE SAY YES, PLEASE SAY YES!**

**Yuki - …..Bitch**

**X – Ahh, I guess that'll work. Let's start!**

**Yuki – Yes…**

**

* * *

**

Itsuki was having a nightmare. A bad one. A very bad one. A very very bad one. A very very very….

You get the point….

Anyways, in his epic and tragic nightmare, he was surrounded by thousands and thousands of children. Soft, warm, tiny, adorable, hot, sexy, slutty children who could give Itsuki all he could ever want from his insignificant life as an esper.

But…..

HE COULDN'T TOUCH/MOLEST THEM!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Darth Vader while eating popcorn.

Yuki – You're not in this fic. Go and kill Luke or give him sex advice or something…. Bitch

"Yes my master….." said Darth Vader while going off to be a self obsessed arrogant bitch.

"That spot is already taken!" said Haruhi, while giving Darth Vader a menacing glare.

"OMG IM OUTTA HERE!" said Darth Vader while running away at the speed of light.

"I don't mean to interrupt, but WTF ARE YOU DOING IN MY BEDROOM IN THE MORNING?" said an enraged Itsuki, while trying to cover up some revealing posters. Of children, of course.

"We're here for the annual SOS Brigade Itsuki room inspection of course!" said Haruhi proudly.

Yuki – That's not on our agenda, bitch.

"Where's Kyon anways?" said Haruhi, while completely ignoring Yuki.

Yuki *While banging shotgun on Haruhi's head* - Pay attention bitch.

"Do you realize that I have death-defying powers that can kill you in an instant?" said Haruhi, while shielding herself from the shotgun.

Yuki – So?

"I can destroy you and everyone you've ever loved and not even break a damn sweat!" said Haruhi, while running around Itsuki's room like a retard.

Yuki – So?

"CAN'T YOU JUST FEEL ANGRY, SCARED OR TERRIFIED FOR PETE'S SAKE?"

Yuki – No.

"Oh damn!" said Haruhi, frustrated,"Im going back to Kyon!"

*50 KILOMETERS AWAY*

"Why do I feel as if there is some impending doom?" said Kyon, while making some cupcakes.

"Upon whom?" asked Haruhi while mysteriously appearing close to him. _Too _close to him.

"AAARRGGHHHH" said Kyon, both frightened and aroused at the same time.

Y – Never a good combination.

X – That is why you must always keep a packet of _Desire_ condoms with you. It helps to minimize the consequences.

"WE ARE NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT!" said Haruhi and Kyon at the same time.

X and Y – Yeah, _sure._ We believe you. Entirely.

"That's good!" said Haruhi.

"They were being sarcastic!" said Kyon.

Looooong awkward pause

"It doesn't matter. Your room. _Now_." Said Haruhi

"I knew this woooould haaaaapeeen" said a distant voice that sounded like a certain idiotic pervert.

"Itsuki?" asked the cupcake from inside the oven.

"No," replied Kyon,"It's TANIGUCHI! Itsuki is not a certain pervert. He is referred to as the perverted pedo."

"Spare me the history lesson and let's go to your damn room!" said the yellow-ribboned Tsundere.

"Why are you so eager to go to my room anyways?" asked Kyon, still in extreme denial mode.

X and Y – God he's dense!

"I know!" said Haruhi, actually agreeing with us for once. OMG WTF!

*Obligatory loud/piercing screech that is very very annoying and is supposed to describe extreme pain and agony*

"That's a long description….." said Haruhi.

"That was my sister screaming. We've got to save her!" screamed Kyon, while dragging Haruhi by her hand. Evidently they have a history of screaming in the family.

"B-But, what about your soft, comfy room?" asked Haruhi desperately.

X and Y – GIVE HER THE OSCAR!

"What about my soft, comfy room?" asked Kyon with a hint of hesitation.

"Forget it, let's just go save your damn sister….," said a clearly disappointed Haruhi.

Kyon flung wide open the door of his sister's room and was greeted with a sight so horrendous, so terrifying that even the great Haruhi Suzumiya was scared.

Kyon's evil Darth Lord sister dropped milk on the carpet…

And she was now wailing and sobbing uncontrollably while Shamisen drank the milk off the carpet.

X and Y – Aren't you supposed to be an evil Sith Lord? So why are you crying over spilt milk?

"Meanies!" said Lord KS.

"Your family is just weird, you know that?" said Haruhi.

"Why are you so pissed off Haruhi?" asked Kyon, his denial working overtime.

"Just shut up and follow the plot will you? There's no time for _other things_, is there?" said Haruhi.

"I already made some cupcakes for you, you know!" said Kyon.

X and Y – He is an insult to the male population…

"I know!" said Haruhi.

X to Y – Something is seriously wrong.

Y – I know! She's agreeing with us too much today. Hm….

X – Maybe she's trying to get into our good books and make us type out a scene between her and the Insult-to-male-population guy!

Y – That's just creepy! But possible! You never know with these power-to-change-the-world types.

X – Speaking of which, we should shut up before we get annihilated.

BACK TO THE PLOT!

Kyon, Haruhi and Lord KS were trying to clean up the milk. Shamisen however, was putting up a fight and was licking their hands whenever they tried to do so.

"He's irresistible, isn't he?" said Lord KS evilly/cutely.

"Your views are very different from ours!" said Haruhi and Kyon.

"Meanies!" said Lord KS.

"NO MORE WILL YOU HAVE TO SUFFER THE PAIN OF HAVING AN INSULT-TO-MALE-POPULATION BROTHER AND AN ARROGANT SELF-OBSESSED BITCH AROUND YOU!" said a familiar perverted pedo's voice.

"Now _that's _Itsuki!" said Kyon to the recently-removed-from-the-oven cupcake.

"Thank you Kyon!" said the cupcake while kissing Kyon on the cheek.

_Damn Cupcake _thought Haruhi.

X – Wow, the person who has the power to recreate this world is jealous…

Y – ….of a cupcake. A FRIGGIN CUPCAKE!

Moving on….

"I will now proceed to kidnap your sexy/extremely adorable sister!" said a masked figure while jumping into the room like a ballerina.

"OMG A GAY BALLERINA GUY!" said Haruhi.

_Damn Ballerina Guy_ thought Kyon.

X and Y - Cupcakes and Ballerina Guys together? Seriously?

Plotline – YES! THIS IS EXACTLY HOW IT WAS SUPPOSED TO GO!

X – You returned?

Plotline - *cleans imaginary dirt from imaginary nails* Yes. Miss me?

Y – I've heard of Revenge of the Sith, but revenge of the plotline?

X – Sounds like a cheap, cheesy movie… Like Twilight?

Grim Reaper - That's what I told him! Now get back here!

Plotline – *while being dragged down to hell*Ahh well, the revenge was good while it lasted. At least I got a glimpse of my dearest Haruhi….

_Damn Plotline_ thought Kyon.

"You stay away from me!" said Haruhi.

"Thanks for the distraction!"said Itsuki while scooping up Lord KS and running towards the window.

"NOOOO!" said Kyon epicly while opening his epic lightsaber and then epicly slipping on the epic milk.

"No you don't!" said Haruhi while clicking her fingers.

Nothing happened.

"Come on! Please?" said Haruhi.

X and Y – Oh Alright…

"Yes!" said Haruhi and clicked her fingers again.

"No amount of finger-clicking will deter me from my extremely pedo-like objective!" said Itsuki. He proceeded to slip on the milk and fall out of the window.

"I didn't even mean to do that!" said Haruhi, while aimlessly pointing her dreaded finger.

X and Y – Accidents happen…..

"Wow, you just managed to kill Itsuki and my sister. Wait…YOU KILLED MY SISTER!" said Kyon while grabbing hold of Haruhi.

X and Y – _Now_ he decides to grab hold of her…..

"I haven't killed them, they've landed on a bunch of pillows outside. And_ why _are you grabbing hold of my ass?" asked Haruhi.

"Umm…. No reason, it was an accident!" said Mister I'm-an-asshole-in-denial.

X and Y together – There are no accidents…

"Ass-grabbing!" the voice of a familiar pervert was heard.

Haruhi and Kyon looked deep into each other's eyes. A variety of emotions were flowing between them. No words were needed. For them – only each other's presence was enough. X and Y and everyone else were completely forgotten.

"Should we really do this?" asked a nervous Kyon.

"YES DAMMIT!" the whole fandom screamed. "ITS CANON FOR GOD'S SAKE, JUST DO IT!"

X and Y – It's our painful duty to inform you that we have to delay the intimate scene between these hopelessly in love retards.

"NOOOOOOO!" said Darth Vader and other Haruhi fans. "WE WANT LEMONS, NOW!"

X and Y – No. We have to follow the plotline. In his memory…..

"Please?" said the entire fandom.

X and Y – No. We're too lazy to change the rating to M.

"Pretty please?" asked the fandom.

X and Y – No. That only works with arrogant self-obsessed bitches…

Many bitches from the fandom looked up hopefully.

X and Y - …..who have death-defying powers.

An audible groan could be heard from the entire fandom.

Moving on…

MIKURU ASAHINA

LOCKED IN A CLOSET

ALL ALONE

SCARED

TERRIFIED

IN ALL HER BIG-CHESTED GLORY

WITH

.

.

.

.

.

YOU!

BUY THE VIDEO GAME TODAY!

AVAILABLE FOR THE XBOX 720, PS8, NINTENDO WIIIIII, AND THE APPLE iTABLE TODAY!

499$ ONLY *

*Conditions apply

Yuki – I WANT, I WANT , I WANT. GIMME!

"Take whatever you want!" said a terrified hentai-shopkeeper.

Yuki – Thank you. Bitch.

*BACK TO THE HENTAI-FREE PLOT*

"Me, you, in the bedroom after we go get your sister. No more cupcakes made, no questions asked. Got it?" said Haruhi while she pointed her finger at Kyon while towering over him.

"Y-yes ma'am!" said Kyon, shivering with both anticipation and fear.

X and Y – Yeah, we lied about the non-Hentai part. *Epic evil grin*

"Ok, then let's get this over with fast!" said Haruhi while dragging Kyon by his collar. They jumped out of the window and landed on the pillows, while 'I believe I can fly' played in the background.

"Hmm…. If I were a perverted pedo who had just kidnapped someone's Sith Lord sister, where would I be? Let's ask Taniguchi!" said Kyon.

"I order you to tell me where Taniguchi is right now!" said Haruhi.

X and Y – Why should we?

"Pretty please?" said Haruhi.

Y – Cannot…. Resis..t…. He's at his house! Free internet access. No questions asked, no prisoners taken!

"Works like a charm!" said Haruhi.

"I will learn this seductive technique and take Kyon away from you…FOREVER!" said the cupcake, who had followed them down the window.

*Haruhi eats the cupcake…..and burps loudly*

Moving on…

"Couldn't you just ask them where Itsuki was?" said Kyon.

"No," said Haruhi,"They've passed out….. 'Coz Yuki didn't want to reveal anymore information…"

"You'll never find me!" said a voice.

"I think that voice came from that guy, with the blue mask and black coat with a sack over his shoulder that's constantly moving. _I wonder who that is…"_

"BATMAN!" said Haruhi proudly.

Kyon facepalmed. "He's fictional!"

"So are we!" said Haruhi.

"That's besides the point!" said Kyon.

"WILL YOU LOVEBIRDS STOP FIGHTING!" said Itsuki, revealing himself like a stupid villainous pedo in a comic would do.

"Itsuki, give me my sister back!" said Kyon.

"No" said Itsuki.

"Use your family's most dangerous and powerful weapon Kyon!" said Haruhi.

Kyon thought long and hard. Then it dawned upon him.

"…..MEANIE!" said Kyon.

*INSIDE ITSUKI'S HEAD*

Too….Hard….To…RESIST!

"I cant believe that just happened…" said Haruhi. "I guess it must run in the family."

"You show them brother!" said a muffled evil/cute voice.

*INSIDE ITSUKI'S HEAD*

CUTE, CUTE, CUTE! I HAVE THE POWER OF CUTENESS ON MY SIDE!

"You'll never catch me!" said Itsuki.

"Lets go after him!" said Haruhi. Kyon being as clumsy as he is however, fell into some fresh cement that was lying on the road.

"Save me Haruhi!" he said while drowning.

"I'll save you Kyon!" said Haruhi, before she fell into the same patch of cement.

"Save me Kyon!" said Haruhi.

Kyon facepalmed.

"This is the perfect opportunity for a kiss!" said the fandom.

X and Y – No.

"DAMNNNNN!" said the fandom.

"Hahahahahah! Now no one stands between me and my lolli!" proclaimed Itsuki.

"MEOW!" said Shamisen while taking out his lightsaber. "Meow meow meow meow meow! MEOW!"

"NO YOU DONT!" said Itsuki while drawing his lightsaber. They proceeded to have an epic lightsaber battle that was more epic then Anakin and Obi-Wan's duel.

"Wait Itsuki, you know how to speak Cat?" said Kyon while stopping the battle with an epic mid-air lunge for Lord KS's sack.

"Esper powers!" winked Itsuki, while he deftly moved the sack away from Kyon. Haruhi managed to fall on top of Kyon.

"YYYYEEESSSSSSSS BABBBBYYYY! FINALLY!" screamed the fandom, while bursting crackers.

Yuki *While killing everyone with her shotgun* - This is not M rated. I must take care of the children. Bitch.

X and Y – Why did you kill Shamisen though. He was your apprentice wasn't he?

Yuki – He drank too much milk and ate too many kitty treats. Sith Lords have a budget too. I must buy more Hentai. So there were financial problems…..

X and Y – This fic has become far crazier then we could have ever imagined. So

.

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.

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.

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.

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R & R BITCHES!


	8. KYON ASAHINA!

**"What's that? is it a bird, is it a plane?" screamed Bella while pointing towards the sky.**

**"Shut up you bitch. It's just AlonsoMassa updating his fic after ages..." said Edward, completely uncomcerned.**

**"He updated? AWESOME!" said Bella.**

**"What about me? Im a vampire, Im awesome too!" exclaimed Edward.**

**"Naah, you're just a gay sparkly vampire..."**

**"Damn..."**

**

* * *

**

One fine day our sarcastic and good for nothing facepalming main character woke up. Now the weird thing was he didn't even need his sister to do so, which was EXTREMELY rare to say the least. Anyways, Kyon woke up and went to the bathroom. Now, as Kyon is perpetually a boring and sarcastic jackass it is pretty safe to assume that he isn't a morning person, so he was completely disoriented as the dragged himself to the bathroom, not taking any of his surroundings into account. But as soon as he entered the bathroom and looked at the mirror, he was awakened from his half-asleep trance faster than it would it would take Tiger Woods to complete an 18-hole course on a Saturday Night.

After all, who wouldn't notice if they had giant and enormous breasts.

"OMGWTF!" shouted Kyon as he looked at his newfound 'assets'. Now there were two reasons why he was extremely shocked. One was that Haruhi didn't even come close to winning the International Saimoe League….

Y – THAT WAS THE BIGGEST INJUSTICE IN THE HISTORY OF ANIMEKIND!

X – Shut up you Haruhi fanboy. She's a friggin tsundere, not moe!

Y – I am NOT a Haruhi fanboy!

X – Oh yeah? Then why do you have a huge revealing picture of her in your oversized bathroom?

Y – Well that is because…..I LIKE SMOKED CHEESE! Nyoro~

X – Well, let's just continue shall we…

The second and less important reason that he was astonished was the fact that his "OMGWTF" came out in a high-pitched voice. To make matters worse, when he facepalmed he felt a soft hand on his face instead of a rough one.

That could only mean one thing…..

Y – Men's fairness creams exist and actually work?

X – Umm….NO!

Well, the only thing that it meant was….

Kyon was a girl!

And just not any girl

He was Mikuru Asahina!

"OH MAH GOD!" said Kyon while moving towards the mirror. The resemblance was perfect, the huge breasts, the red hair, the big breasts, the cute face, the enormous breasts, the azure eyes, the massive breasts….

"OMG I have huge breasts!" said Kyon, essentially repeating what the narrator just said….

"But why the hell am I in Asahina-san's body? This is insane! This is madness! This is SPARTA!" said Kyon, essentially talking to himself as he is too scared to break any wall, let alone the fourth one. Anyways, as any normal teenage boy would do if he was in a girl's body, he decided to do the right thing and avoid compromising Mikuru's privacy in any way.

LOL JK, he removed the shirt off Mikuru's body and started fiddling around!

"PUSH PUSH BACK UPON IT, MAKE ME BELIEVE YOU WANT IT –" rang Mikuru's cellphone. Kyon cursed under his breath before finally making his way back into Mikuru's room and grabbing the infernal thing.

Y – So wait, he's in Mikuru's ROOM?

X – Way to go Sherlock…great deduction

Y – Im just wondering…..what if Haruhi comes to know about all of this? Y'know – Kyon in Mikuru's room, in her bed, in her BODY!

X – Shit, you're right. This remains between us!

"KYOOOOOON-KUUUUUNNNNN" came a loud voice from the cellphone. The weird thing was that the above line was said in Kyon's voice.

And believe me, it sounded CREEPY

"Kyon-san…Umm I mean Asahina-san…WTF IS GOING ON?" asked Kyon, while going back into the toilet and removing his shirt.

"Kyooon-kuuun, I woke up today, and instead of being in my room I found myself in your body!" whimpered Mikuru. Normally Mikuru whining like that would have turned Kyon on beyond belief, but somehow the fact that it was in his own voice kind of put away the feeling.

"W-well yeah, I guess Im in your body then.." said Kyon.

"H-how did this happen?" asked a sobbing Mikuru. Kyon said one word.

"Haruhi…"

"K-kyon-kun, what do we do? I want my body back!" whimpered Mikuru.

"Don't worry, Yuki and Itsuki will figure something out!" said Kyon, who really wasn't concerned about what happened next. After all, he was too busy exploring a certain someone's body…..

"O-Ok Kyon-kun. But I still think we should go to school today..after all Suzumiya-san would probably arrive at the wrong conclusion if we both missed school on the same day!" said Mikuru.

"Yeah sure, whatever…." said Kyon, mesmerized by Mikuru's slender body.

"Kyon-kun!"

"Yeah….."

"I hope you're not doing anything naughty!"

"Umm well, no, of course not!" said Kyon while wobbling his breasts around.

"Umm ok then, see you….um me at school then!" said Mikuru. Just then Kyon realised something horrible.

"Asahina-san, do you know that thing you usually do for the sake of fan-service?" asked Kyon.

"Y-yes…."

"Please don't do that. Somehow I feel the sight of me panting and grabbing my chest would be too much for me to bear…." He quickly shut the phone.

_Shit, now I have to go to school!_ thought Kyon. With a heavy heart he decided to leave the mirror alone and get ready. After he opened the closet though, he realised something unnerving.

He was going to have to wear a skirt to school...

X – Seriously? Kyon in a skirt?

Y – Dont get too excited, he's still in Mikuru's body you know

X – Yeah but still, KYON IN A SKIRT!

Y - ...You need help

Anyways, back to the retarded plot. Kyon changed inside Mikuru's bathroom, trying his best to keep his eyes shut while doing so. Needless to say, he failed miserably...

He made his way out of Mikuru's room after changing into an impossibly short skirt and a disturbingly tight shirt that exaggerated a certain something. He realised that the house where Mikuru lived was in the run-down and shady part of the city. Heck, let's just say it – it was where all the prostitutes lived. It's not as if Mikuru's a main character or anything...

"I RESENT THAT!" came Nagaru Tanigawa's voice from somewhere. We authors however are going to ignore it as it was in Japanese, and everything Japanese must be ignored. Unless it's Hentai that is...

Moving on, he made his way out of the one-bedroom apartment and stepped out onto the street. Immediately he noticed that there were hundereds of guys waiting around doing nothing but drinking beer and enjoying.

_Shit! _Thought Kyon _If I get any closer to them they'd probably look at Asahina-san's delicate and extremely sexy body and take advantage of it!_

With this thought in mind he tried making his way past the group of men, trying to hold his skirt as low as possible, now regretting having ever worn something as short as that. His attempts at making his way past them without being noticed failed however, as the men started walking towards him.

"STOP!" said Kyon in Mikuru's high pitched voice. "If you get any closer to me I'll kick your ass!"

"Yeah boss, we know..." said one of the thugs, looking almost frightened. "That kick you gave me down there yesterday still stings pretty bad..." he said while rubbing a _very_ delicate area.

"Anyways boss, here's the cocaine and that AK-47 you asked us for yesterday!" said another creepy looking guy, while handing over the exact same things. Kyon was shocked, and took them without a word.

"Well, you seem pretty quiet today boss. The last time we gave you cocaine you sniffed it instantly and started stripping for us!" said the first thug, the memory evoking a very perverted smile from him.

X – I always suspected Mikuru was a drug lord! THE EVIDENCE WAS RIGHT IN FRONT OF US!

Y – Oh yeah? Like what?

X – Well, consider the time she broke into the school grounds and made that big alien looking sign with that thing what draws lines...

Y – Wait...that was Haruhi wasn't it?

X – Oh yeah...well then there is only one conclusion. MIKURU IS OOC!

Y - *Facepalms*

After digesting the fact that Mikuru was a drug lord, a sexy terrorist and quite possibly a prostitute, he did the one thing most people would do. He went to school. Fortunately on his way he didn't encounter any more retardedness, save for a fight between a vampire and a werewolf, Barack Obama featuring in a men's fairness cream ad, Taniguchi opening a church, Homer Simpson eating vegetables and Ted Mosby not saying "I love you" to the first girl he met.

"NYOOOOOROOOOO!" said Tsuruya while jumping onto Kyon and hugging him hard. He could virtually smell Tsuruya's body and hear her heartbeat.

_Damn female hormones, I can't even enjoy this! _Thought Kyon, while pushing himself away.

"Oh, not in the mood Mikuru?" asked Tsuruya with a devilish grin. "Oh well, save your energies for today night, you know I like it rough!" Kyon couldn't help himself after hearing that.

"OMGWTF?" he blurted out. Tsuruya just looked at him and laughed.

"That's why I like you, you're so cute! Oh lookie there, it's Kyon-kun!" said Tsuruya. As soon as he turned to see Mikuru in his body, he knew things were bad. For starters, he saw that he was wearing extremely goofy shorts, pink shoes with no socks and wearing his sister's Hello Kitty bag. But the worst thing of all...

He had lipstick on...

Red lipstick...

"HAHAHAHAHA ROFL!" laughed Tsuruya! "This is better than having smoked cheese on a Saturday night!"

"Hello!" said Mikuru timidly, while bowing and tugging the shorts. Kyon watched on in horror as he saw the shorts coming loose to reveal his super-secret Mickey Mouse underwear revealed to the world.

"HAHAHAHHAHHA!" laughed Tsuruya as she took out her phone and clicked pictures. Kyon tried stopping her, but she merely dodged him and made him fall on Mikuru. The sight of Mikuru in a short skirt and Kyon in Mickey Mouse underwear definitely sent out the wrong message.

"Oh, this is great! Wait till Haru-nyan sees this!" said Tsuruya while speeding away. Kyon only looked on at Mikuru with a blank expression.

"Well, I thought the underwear was cute!" said Mikuru, while pointing towards Mickey. Unfortunately the picture of the obnoxious mouse was right at the front of the garment, where a certain something else was popping out...

"U-umm it's alright!" said Kyon while blushing. "Here, just wear your shorts!"

"T-thank you Kyon-kun..." said Mikuru while putting on the shorts.

_Damn female hormones! I feel so attracted to my own body right now! _ Thought Kyon as he watched himself. However, he thought of Koizumi and immediately banished the thought from his mind. It seems Koizumi was a Kyon-repellent no matter whether Kyon was male or female...

Both Kyon and Mikuru (or is it Mikuru and Kyon, or Mikuru/Kyon and Kyon/Mikuru or is it...

"Oh just shut up already! They're in each other's bodies, I got the bloody joke!" said Osama Bin Laden while making some obscene gestures.

Y – Wait, OSAMA BIN LADEN is a Haruhi fan?

X – I will never look at the world in the same way ever again...

Kyon and Mikuru made their way into the school. Inevitably all the guys and girls looked at them, thinking that they were a couple. Kyon could only mentally facepalm, but winced when he realised that Mikuru's brain didn't possess the capacity to do even that.

"Anyways Kyon-kun..." said Mikuru while stopping outside her class. "This is my class. I'll make my way to yours, and after school's over we'll ask Koizumi-kun and Nagato-san what to do next!"

"Yeah I guess..." said Kyon. "Just watch out for Haruhi though, she can be pretty moody in the mornings..." he said while adjusting his skirt.

"Well, I'll try... After all, I have Hello Kitty with me!" said Mikuru while running off while holding the bag closely. If nothing else, Kyon knew that his reputation was going to be rock bottom by the end of the day.

*IN KYON'S CLASS*

Mikuru timidly made her way into Kyon's class, making sure not to trip over and fall like she usually did. On going in she was surprised that the whole class didn't turn to look towards her, but then she realised she was in Kyon's body, and no one paid attention to Kyon no matter how ridiculous he looked.

The one person who paid attention however, could be the worst imaginable...

"KYON! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING? The SOS Brigade cannot be associated with anything other than aliens, time travellers and sexy commando penguins!" said Haruhi while pointing her finger at Mikuru's face.

"I love you!" said Mikuru suddenly. Kyon's male hormones, free of Kyon who used the ancient technique of perpetual denial to hide his feelings for Haruhi, finally showed their true potential.

"Hey hey hey, you can't do that! I'm the only character who can ever do something as retarded and stupid as that!" said Ted Mosby, while randomly coming into class.

"Ted Mosby from How I Met your Mother? WTF ARE YOU DOING HERE?" said Taniguchi, pointing towards Ted.

"Me? Im here to teach you maths. It seems that Barney met your teacher Okabe at the urinal and made him his wingman..." said Ted.

"But aren't you supposed to be an architect?" asked Haruhi.

"Ahh architect, mathematician, it's all the same thing...Now let's get started, take a seat you Japanese school kids who I have no idea how Im being able to talk to despite being in an American sitcom and having absolutely no knowledge of Japanese..." said Ted. Mikuru took the seat in front of Haruhi and settled down. That settling down however, lasted for 0.05 seconds as Haruhi's pencil jammed Mikuru's back.

"Kyon, what you said earlier was true?" asked Haruhi, excitement evident in her voice.

"U-um sorry Suzumiya-san... I just said that because I don't usually get proper dialogues in AlonsoMassa's fic..." said Mikuru.

"W-what did you say?"

"I said that I don't usually get proper dialogues –"

"No, you called me Suzumiya-san... HOW COULD YOU CALL ME THAT? YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY MAIN LOVE INTEREST IN THE STORY! WE SHOULD BE ON A FIRST NAME BASIS!"

"Well, it's because this fic is not CANNON!" said Bin Laden while using an Arabic to English translator.

X – Woah, Bin Laden follows our fic too? I wonder who he could be. Maybe one of our reviewers?

Y – Yeah maybe...I have my doubts about some of those guys. Probably the most retarded guy out of all of them is Bin Laden!

X – Or Lindsay Lohan...or Britney Spears...or...

Anyways, back to the plot...

"IT'S OVER 9000!" screamed Vegeta while raising his hand.

"Well, no Vegeta. The answer is four. 2 + 2 is four. But I admire your...vigour" said Ted Mosby while facepalming. Everyone in this school seemed to have a lower IQ than Barney...

"Well, moving on. You there with the Hello Kitty bag, answer my question. What is the radius of the first shell of the Hydrogen atom?" asked Ted while pointing at Mikuru.

"There is NO WAY that Kyon could answer that one!" said Taniguchi. "If he answers it, I'll kiss Kunikida!"

"The answer is 0.529 raised to the power -10 meters!" said Mikuru. Everyone looked at her with a shocked face.

"Pucker up big boy!" said Kunikida while smooching Taniuguchi. Looking at the sight, Mikuru regretted answering the question.

"Kyon is intelligent, smart and calls me Suzumiya-san instead of Haruhi? MY LIFE IS OVER!" wailed the yellow-ribboned tsundere while collapsing onto the ground. The rest of the class however were too absorbed watching one sided Kunikida/Taniguchi...

_I should have had some of that beer before coming to school today..._ thought Mikuru. Such retardedness was too much to bear, even for a busty moe.

*MEANWHILE, IN MIKURU'S CLASS*

Kyon knew he had made a bad decision the moment he stepped into Mikuru's class. As soon as he stepped in, all the guys turned towards him with a hungry look in their eyes. One of them even tried reaching for Mikuru's breasts, but before he could do so a flash of green could be seen – which sent the offender tumbling down into the desk.

"No one messes with my Mikuru!" said Tsuruya, while spreading her arms around. One look at Tsuruya's fang scared everyone off. "You're sitting next to me today! Nyoro~" said Tsuruya while dragging Kyon towards her seat.

"Umm...thanks I guess..." said Kyon, while sitting down and taking a deep breath. But before he could drift off to sleep, he felt a hand touch his ass. Alarmed, he looked at Tsuruya, who had a perverted grin on her face.

This was going to be a long day...

X – Sheesh, Kunikida/Taniguchi and Mikuru/Tsuruya? This goes beyond the definition of crack!

Y – Well, the four of them ARE always together, so it's probably cannon...

X – Oh man, you're probably right. It's just creepy...

Y – No, it's just Japanese...

Moving on, after a long and sexually exhausting day Kyon finally found himself in the comfort of the clubroom. Tsuruya insisted on feeling every part of Mikuru's body throughout the whole day, and whenever Kyon objected she told him something about some 'bro-code' and shut him up. Needless to say it was a very disturbing experience.

Especially the fang marks near his neck. They still stung pretty badly.

"Well, it seems that you have put yourself in a complicated situation..." said Itsuki while looking at Kyon. He didn't have a smile on his face however.

_Damn it! Kyon's in Mikuru's body now, Im no longer attracted to him! I must do something before it's too late! _thought Itsuki. He glared at Mikuru who was currently in Kyon's body, and gave out a slight hiss.

"Well cracka, you'll only be able to switch back when that Suzumiya bitch's wish wears off. I used epic hax to go through the Integrated Data Sentient Entity's computer programs and found out that It'll probably wear off by today evening." She paused and then added "Bitch" as an afterthought.

"So it means that we have to put up with this nonsense for another 3 hours or so?" asked an annoyed Itsuki.

"Well bitch, YES!" said Yuki while browsing through a catalogue of Hentai.

"Oh great..." said Kyon while facepalming. "But before we do anything else please convince Asahina-san that the maid costume does NOT look good on my body..."

"But it's so cute..." whined Mikuru while pointing at it.

"No, if my dream of seeing Kyon in a fetishy outfit is ever fulfilled, it will only be in a MICKEY MOUSE UNDERWEAR!" proclaimed Itsuki. Kyon made a mental note to burn his underwear as soon as he switched back to his own body.

"YAHOOOO!" shouted Haruhi while she opened the clubroom door. "Now, since I'm extremely depressed and cannot be emo as it would be WAY too OOC, the only way I can take out my frustrations is by messing with Mikuru! So everyone else OUT!" said Haruhi. Kyon looked on in horror as Haruhi locked the door after throwing everyone out.

"Now Mikuru, let's make this slow and easy..." said Haruhi with a dangerous smirk on her face. Kyon wasn't sure whether he should be turned on or extremely scared. Then he realised he couldn't get turned on because he was in Mikuru's body.

_DAMN FEMALE HORMONES! _Thought Kyon before Haruhi pummelled him to the ground and began removing his clothes.

"WTF DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING DAMMIT?" shouted Kyon just before Haruhi could take out his Bra. As soon as he said this, Haruhi froze and looked at Kyon with an empty face.

"Kyon is now intelligent, calls me Suzumiya-san instead of Haruhi and now MIKURU resists being raped! MY LIFE IS OVER! IM BECOMING EMO!" said Haruhi while getting up abruptly and going towards the door and opening it.

"You all are dismissed!" screamed Haruhi while running away to join Emiri Kimidori to take lessons on 'How to Be Emo'

"Well that's a relief! At least the rest of the day will pass by without much incident!" said Itsuki, his mood suddenly perking up.

"Why in the world are you so happy bitch?" asked a clearly puzzled Yuki.

"Well, I took the liberty of taking off Mikuru's extremely loose shorts and guess what I found!" exclaimed Itsuki.

_OH SHIT! _ Thought Kyon

"That's right Kyon, I saw it in ALL ITS GLORY!" said a satisfied Itsuki.

"S-sorry Kyon-kun..." said Mikuru, while panting and grabbing her chest.

"NEVER DO THAT WHILE YOURE IN KYON'S BODY!" screamed Itsuki before tackling Mikuru to the ground.

"Hentai cracka?" offered Yuki.

"No, I think I'll pass..." said Kyon, while facepalming.

X – So...Haruhi was essentially going to RAPE KYON?

Y – Exactly. That is why you should always carry a packet of _Desire _condoms with you!

X – I'm going to pretend as if I didn't hear that...

Meanwhile, everyone made their way to Yuki's house. Why? Because they finally agreed to the Hentai offer.

Well, it was that or being blown away by a shotgun so the decision was pretty obvious...

"I AM THE QUEEN OF SEXY BEACH TWO!" shouted Yuki while standing proudly on the coffee table.

"Wait...why do I feel uneasy all of a sudden?" said Kyon and Mikuru together.

"Uneasy? IT MEANS THAT MAH KYON'S COMING BACK!" exclaimed Itsuki, jumping up and down like a small kid.

"Well cracka, lock them up in the same room in which I froze time for three years; that should put them back to normal" said Yuki.

"In you go!" said Itsuki while tossing Mikuru and Kyon into the aforementioned room. The last thing Kyon could remember before going into a deep sleep was that he was _really_ going to miss having boobs.

*THE NEXT MORNING*

Kyon felt a monstrous force on his back, accompanied by a voice so terrifying and powerful that even the greatest Sith Lord would tremble in fear.

"Kyon! Wake up!" said Lord KS while jumping up and down on Kyon's back. The latter immediately sprung up and ran into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. He did what every person does to see whether they are a boy or not.

Y – *Perverted grin* Are you thinking what Im thinking X?

"YEEEEEEESSS, I HAVE CHEST AND FACIAL HAIR!" screamed Kyon.

X – Y, you're a pervert...

"Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes, IM BACK BABY! IM ON TOP OF THE WORLD, I FEEL AS IF I CAN DEAL WITH ANYTHING!" shouted Kyon while going out of the toilet and skipping all the way down to the living room. His newfound confidence evaporated however as soon as he took in the sight before him.

Haruhi and Kimidori were in his living room.

And they were emo...

"ITS A LOVE STORY, BABY JUST SAY YES –"

"Hello?" said Kyon, picking up his cellphone.

"Well Kyon, it looks as if its time to save the world from Haruhi again in your Mickey Mouse underwear!" said a clearly delighted Itsuki.

Kyon couldn't decide what horrified him more...

* * *

**X – This has to go down as THE most retarded Haruhi Suzumiya chapter ever.**

**Y – Well yeah, considering the fact that Kyon was Mikuru, Haruhi was emo, Itsuki has a Mickey Mouse fetish, Mikuru is a drug-lord cum prostitute cum terrorist, Osama Bin Laden is a bigger otaku than Konata, Obama endorses a men's fairness cream and Okabe is Barney's new wingman, I'd agree with you.**

**X – Well, I guess there's only one thing to say...**

**Y – R & R BITCHES!**


End file.
